so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
