I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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