He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
