I didn't shave. On purpose
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
cat food counts as protein by the way
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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