Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
