and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
