omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize