there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize