Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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