How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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