my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
