I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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