nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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