Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
