Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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