saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
