I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
