So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
