I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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