I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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