can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize