She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
