Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
