taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
