so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize