Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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