Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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