I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize