fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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