Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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