the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
