Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you are never too drunk for berry picking
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
