I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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