Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I could fuck to npr.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
