She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
