Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
