This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
