How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
