i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
