why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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