Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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