Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
