Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
