It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
