So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
