i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize