I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
