Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
