one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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