you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
