alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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