mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize