Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
