it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
