I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
