Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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