I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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