my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
