I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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