True but thats because hes a fetus.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
