This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
