friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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