sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
